A Simple Reminder

This morning I got a simple reminder that I can't do it all. That as a mother, a wife, a full-time employee, an employer, and a friend, some things will not get done. Some things will fall between the cracks. Some things are completely forgotten. And some things just aren't that important. For those that follow my blog, this is something that I have struggled with especially since Kendal was diagnosed.

For some reason, since Kendal is not "typical", I have strived to excel in being an excellent mom to the outside world. I want everyone (except in the confidence of family & friends) to think I have it all together. That despite all my responsibilities, I can still manage to make cute little valentine treats for the class. That I manage to bring treats for parties, gifts for teachers/aides/therapists, and that I make monetary donations to help with activities. What a joke I am! Who am I kidding?

I don't have it all together and I struggle as much as any other parent. Why must I feel like I have to have it all together and be perfect? Am I that desperate to care about what others think of me? Is it my subconscious telling me I had something to do with Kendal's development of her disorder and that I must try to make up for it? Is this something that God is trying to correct in me (I sure hope so!!!) and teach me that my purpose here is not to care how others judge me?

What started this was what happened this morning. I had gotten up extra early to make some treat bags with candy and Halloween favors for the kids in Kendal's daycare class. After I made the 20 bags, I rushed to pack her snack bag, fix Kendal's breakfast, pick out clothes (& extra set), pack Avon orders to deliver, pack her book bag, and finally get Kendal changed, hair up, fed, and out the door. When I got to school and was walking Kendal to her classroom, it was then that I discovered that today was dress-up day and Kendal was the only one that wasn't in costume. I felt awful. Here I had done everything (I thought!) and still managed to isolate my daughter by making her different. When I got in the car I cried because I realized just how crazy my life was and just how lost and behind I always feel in accomplishing things. I can't do it all. It's okay that I can't do it all. Some things just aren't that important. And yet, I collapse in a depression when I realize again that I fall so short of what it seems like other parents can accomplish. I truly feel like a failure at times.

I know this probably seems over dramatic, but this blog is meant to be my platform to express my honest feels - the good, bad, and ugly. Being a mother is the hardest job I could ever imagine. Some days your heart explodes with the sheer love you feel for your child. Other days you fantasize about running away.

The fact that Kendal didn't have her costume on probably meant nothing to her, but to me it was a simple reminder that I failed again.

In addition, as I write this, I just remembered that I also forgot the cubed cheese for the party today that I made an extra stop at the grocery yesterday evening to buy. Just another lapse on my part.

Does anyone else struggle with these issues as a mother or am I alone in trying to create some fantasy of perfection?