This morning I got a simple reminder that I can't do it all. That as a mother, a wife, a full-time employee, an employer, and a friend, some things will not get done. Some things will fall between the cracks. Some things are completely forgotten. And some things just aren't that important. For those that follow my blog, this is something that I have struggled with especially since Kendal was diagnosed.
For some reason, since Kendal is not "typical", I have strived to excel in being an excellent mom to the outside world. I want everyone (except in the confidence of family & friends) to think I have it all together. That despite all my responsibilities, I can still manage to make cute little valentine treats for the class. That I manage to bring treats for parties, gifts for teachers/aides/therapists, and that I make monetary donations to help with activities. What a joke I am! Who am I kidding?
I don't have it all together and I struggle as much as any other parent. Why must I feel like I have to have it all together and be perfect? Am I that desperate to care about what others think of me? Is it my subconscious telling me I had something to do with Kendal's development of her disorder and that I must try to make up for it? Is this something that God is trying to correct in me (I sure hope so!!!) and teach me that my purpose here is not to care how others judge me?
What started this was what happened this morning. I had gotten up extra early to make some treat bags with candy and Halloween favors for the kids in Kendal's daycare class. After I made the 20 bags, I rushed to pack her snack bag, fix Kendal's breakfast, pick out clothes (& extra set), pack Avon orders to deliver, pack her book bag, and finally get Kendal changed, hair up, fed, and out the door. When I got to school and was walking Kendal to her classroom, it was then that I discovered that today was dress-up day and Kendal was the only one that wasn't in costume. I felt awful. Here I had done everything (I thought!) and still managed to isolate my daughter by making her different. When I got in the car I cried because I realized just how crazy my life was and just how lost and behind I always feel in accomplishing things. I can't do it all. It's okay that I can't do it all. Some things just aren't that important. And yet, I collapse in a depression when I realize again that I fall so short of what it seems like other parents can accomplish. I truly feel like a failure at times.
I know this probably seems over dramatic, but this blog is meant to be my platform to express my honest feels - the good, bad, and ugly. Being a mother is the hardest job I could ever imagine. Some days your heart explodes with the sheer love you feel for your child. Other days you fantasize about running away.
The fact that Kendal didn't have her costume on probably meant nothing to her, but to me it was a simple reminder that I failed again.
In addition, as I write this, I just remembered that I also forgot the cubed cheese for the party today that I made an extra stop at the grocery yesterday evening to buy. Just another lapse on my part.
Does anyone else struggle with these issues as a mother or am I alone in trying to create some fantasy of perfection?
Friday, October 29, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Bella Bash 2010 - Melinda Doolittle debuts Let Love Do What It Do
This was a great song that Melinda Doolittle wrote! The Bella Bash was great and supports such an amazing cause.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
A Great Fall Day!
The first weekend in October, me and Kendal went to visit my sister, her husband, and my two beautiful nieces in Jackson, TN. The weather was a nice fall day with a crisp breeze in the air. We decided to all visit a local pumpkin patch and we all had a really great time!
Then, it was time to pick the apples off the tree.....
Milking time already???
This pumpkin patch had a really neat exhibit for the kids. You had to help around the farm. Everyone had to get a basket and get to work!
Next, you had to gather the eggs..... Then, it was time to pick the apples off the tree..... Milking time already???
Next, picking the tomatoes off the vines...
Off to the cotton warehouse to get it ready to take to market.....
One last thing before we're done....dig up the potatoes (Kendal's favorite!)
Oops! We almost forgot to search for that perfect pumpkin!
It was a great time and I know one that I'll remember for a long time. Thanks Katie, Mike, Marilyn, and Olivia!!!
Monday, October 11, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
April, June, October....What Month Are We In???
I am completely amazed at how time flies. As a child, I heard this over and over and yet I feel as if I can't even get my mind around the fact that I have now been married for 11 years and that my daughter will be turning five in the next several months. I can't quite grasp that time is leaking between my fingers like sand - I can't contain it or slow it down. All I can do at this point is try to remember some of the amazing things that happen in my life and try to hold onto them.
My days (and Kendal's) are completely filled from sun-up to sun-down. Little tasks, such as dressing, tend to take twice as long as most people probably take. Once Kendal's clothes have been chosen, I then have to round her up to stop moving. Between fighting her to change her diaper, trying to bend her legs to get them in the pants (she likes to stiffen up like a board to give me a challenge!), ducking in between her swings to avoid a slap in the face, and physically pinning her down to pull her hair up - I can't wait to get to work to get a break! Then I try to remember what day it is so I have her bags appropriately packed. Trying to remember who I pay this week - did I pay the daycare, the aid, or therapist this week? What is going on in her school class? What activities are going on at daycare? How can anyone keep up and still manage to hold down a full-time job outside the home? I have realized and now KNOW that I can do these things only by God's Grace. He gives me exactly what I need each day to make it through and always provides the strength and patience to start a new day.
Kendal seems to be going through another phase of aggression. We see the Developmental Specialist next month and I think I will once again look into the medication route. It is difficult for me to continually take the hits as she has gotten so physically strong and strong-willed. But I am her mother. What about people that don't love her unconditionally as I do? How is she to make friends if she won't stop hurting people. I'm terrified that she will grow up isolating herself and end up in a home that no one ever visits because they don't want to get hurt. I just wish there was an easy answer. I know that God is working on her and teaching me and others at the same time. Hopefully, we can help get some resolution on this in the next several months with parent training and medication.
Some great news is that we have had a breakthrough on the sleep issue. I'm not going to say that there are no longer any problems, but recently the sleep disturbance has not been as bad. About 10 days ago, the neurologist emailed me (on Sunday night at 8:45 - I love our doctors dedication in trying to help us!) stating that she had been thinking about other things that might be causing the sleep disturbance. She had noticed that Kendal had previously taken Prevacid for reflux and wondered why we were no longer using it. I explained that Kendal no longer demonstrated signs of reflux so we removed the medication. She suggested we try it again just to see if it helps her sleep. We immediately went to the doctor to get another prescription and Kendal has been doing significantly better at night with less awakenings and shorter awake times. I can't believe the last two years she has had reflux waking her up in the middle of the night and we had no idea. I have spoken to adults with acid reflux and they all state that it will wake you out of a dead sleep and keep you up for a couple of hours. I have heard it is painful. This is one of the sad parts about having a nonverbal child. She might have been suffering this whole time - but then again Kendal has such a high threshold for pain she might not have ever realized it hurt. I hope we are finally on the right track - God answers prayers!
Well, I have got to go for now but will update in a few days with pictures from a recent trip to Jackson.
Have a GREAT rest of the Week!!!
My days (and Kendal's) are completely filled from sun-up to sun-down. Little tasks, such as dressing, tend to take twice as long as most people probably take. Once Kendal's clothes have been chosen, I then have to round her up to stop moving. Between fighting her to change her diaper, trying to bend her legs to get them in the pants (she likes to stiffen up like a board to give me a challenge!), ducking in between her swings to avoid a slap in the face, and physically pinning her down to pull her hair up - I can't wait to get to work to get a break! Then I try to remember what day it is so I have her bags appropriately packed. Trying to remember who I pay this week - did I pay the daycare, the aid, or therapist this week? What is going on in her school class? What activities are going on at daycare? How can anyone keep up and still manage to hold down a full-time job outside the home? I have realized and now KNOW that I can do these things only by God's Grace. He gives me exactly what I need each day to make it through and always provides the strength and patience to start a new day.
Kendal seems to be going through another phase of aggression. We see the Developmental Specialist next month and I think I will once again look into the medication route. It is difficult for me to continually take the hits as she has gotten so physically strong and strong-willed. But I am her mother. What about people that don't love her unconditionally as I do? How is she to make friends if she won't stop hurting people. I'm terrified that she will grow up isolating herself and end up in a home that no one ever visits because they don't want to get hurt. I just wish there was an easy answer. I know that God is working on her and teaching me and others at the same time. Hopefully, we can help get some resolution on this in the next several months with parent training and medication.
Some great news is that we have had a breakthrough on the sleep issue. I'm not going to say that there are no longer any problems, but recently the sleep disturbance has not been as bad. About 10 days ago, the neurologist emailed me (on Sunday night at 8:45 - I love our doctors dedication in trying to help us!) stating that she had been thinking about other things that might be causing the sleep disturbance. She had noticed that Kendal had previously taken Prevacid for reflux and wondered why we were no longer using it. I explained that Kendal no longer demonstrated signs of reflux so we removed the medication. She suggested we try it again just to see if it helps her sleep. We immediately went to the doctor to get another prescription and Kendal has been doing significantly better at night with less awakenings and shorter awake times. I can't believe the last two years she has had reflux waking her up in the middle of the night and we had no idea. I have spoken to adults with acid reflux and they all state that it will wake you out of a dead sleep and keep you up for a couple of hours. I have heard it is painful. This is one of the sad parts about having a nonverbal child. She might have been suffering this whole time - but then again Kendal has such a high threshold for pain she might not have ever realized it hurt. I hope we are finally on the right track - God answers prayers!
Well, I have got to go for now but will update in a few days with pictures from a recent trip to Jackson.
Have a GREAT rest of the Week!!!
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